Today, Apple will be announcing the new top of the line iPhone, as millions of slavering iPeople anxiously iWait for the next iThing. Oh, and it’ll set you back $1000. That’s ONE THOUSAND American dollars. I’d give you examples of things that cost $1000, but the only things I own that cost that much are my mattress and my MacBook, which I will be paying off for roughly the rest of my life. One thousand dollars for a phone. Has Apple gone too far? I have summoned the Ghost of Steve Jobs to ask him what the heck is going on here.
Me: Hello, Ghost of Steve Jobs. Thank you for speaking to me today.
Ghost of Steve Jobs: Nice to be here, Danielle. How do you like the MacBook?
Me: I LOVE IT IT’S THE BEST THING EVE-We’re not here to talk about my MacBook.
GoSJ: So what would you like to talk about?
Me: I’d like to speak to you about the $1000 iPhone. Specifically, what in the name of pants is that even all about? A thousand dollars? That’s absurd!
GoSJ: Well, it IS top of the line. All the bells and whistles.
Me: It’s a PHONE.
GoSJ: No, it’s an iPhone. You know, people are very dependent on their iPhones, and it only makes sense that we up the prices, because people will pay them. It’s called supply and demand.
Me: It sucks.
GoSJ: It’s capitalism, Danielle. You have to understand that people will buy this. Now let me tell you about all the neat things that will come with the new iPhone.
Me: Nope. Not interested. I want to talk about the fact that people drop their phones. They drop them, and they break, because Apple products are made from unicorn hair and fragile dreams, and sometimes they drop the phones in the TOILET, and that’s $1000 literally down the loo.
GoSJ: You could buy Apple insurance!
Me: Where do you think people are going to find this kind of money, Ghost of Steve Jobs? This is madness. We live in a world where – Okay, YOU don’t live in this world anymore, but the rest of us do, we live in a world that requires a cell phone. Most people need a smartphone. Making them exorbitantly expensive is just mean.
GoSJ: It’s capitalism.
Me: It continues to suck.
GoSJ: People can just not trade in their phones after two years if they can’t afford it. No one is saying you HAVE to buy the beautiful, sparkly, brand new iPhone. No one is saying that.
Me: I think you just did.
GoSJ: No I didn’t.
Me: Not technically, you didn’t, but let’s be realistic. People love their phones. You’ve been gone for a few years, but the smartphone culture is out of control. People are walking into traffic because they’re so addicted to their smartphones. By jacking the price, people are going to find some way to get the newest, shiniest, bells and whistles iPhone, and that’s just crap. It’s not fair.
GoSJ: It’s capi-
Me: Don’t say it again. I KNOW it’s capitalism. I know your company wants to be the biggest and best, and that people will buy the damn things, I just think it blows.
Me: No you are not. You and your otherworldly turtleneck.
GoSJ: Want to see all the new features?
Me: NO. Yes.
GoSJ: Thought so.
So, dear reader, there really is no answer, other than there are so many other options than buying a $1000 phone. But people will, and the prices will continue to go up, and Samsung has already replied that THEIR new phone will only be $940, like, woohoo, that’s so much better. But we have created this monster, this smartphone society, and it has gotten way too big for its britches, and there’s really nothing we can do now to stop it.
Other than just holding on to the phone you already have, if you can. Hold on to it until it becomes so obsolete that it might as well be a rotary phone nailed to the wall. Which, truthfully, I miss. A lot. Anyway, there was never a chance you’d drop the rotary phone in the toilet. Sigh.