I was scouring the internet today, and found the most hilarious article about how in rural Oregon, people will now be able to pump their own gas. No big deal for most people in the country, but for Oregon, and of course the great state of New Jersey, this is a Very. Big. Deal. If you’ve never pumped your own gas because you live in a CIVILIZED, uh, I mean a full service state, this is a catastrophe. Listen. We don’t pump our own gas, okay? We just don’t! We’re not ALLOWED to pump our own gas, and the idea makes us shudder. Are we spoiled? Nay, I say! This is just what we know, and we don’t know any different. Speaking to a friend today I mentioned the story, and he was shocked that I have no bloody idea as to how to pump my own gas. The words “you delicate flower” were bandied about, and I did not appreciate that one single bit. WE DON’T PUMP OUR OWN GAS IN JERSEY. What nonsense this all is.
Anyway, in Oregon, people are horrified, as well they should be, and there are some glorious comments about the dangers of pumping our own gas. There are concerns that we could blow ourselves the whole damn way apart, and confusion as to why we should deny people their jobs by doing it for ourselves. These are people’s JOBS and we’d be taking them AWAY. The fact that it’s like, four million degrees below zero here and we don’t have to get out of our cars to pump our own damn gas? That’s an afterthought. We’re thinking of the gas station attendants. We’re GIVERS that way.
Pumping our own gas. This is madness.
Luckily for us in the Garden State, there are currently no plans to make us pump our own gas, but if it can happen in Oregon, it can happen to us, so we should definitely stay diligent about how this is a sick and twisted idea that should never come to Jersey.
Can you imagine Tony Soprano pumping his own gas? What about Bruce Springsteen? What about Jon Bon Jovi?!? That’s a lot of hair product that shouldn’t be exposed to gasoline, and I’ll let you imagine what I mean. This would be a bloodbath. New Jerseyans do not, have not, and will not pump our own gas, and that’s all that should be said about it. I can’t even believe this is a question. And to my darling boy who called me a delicate flower? Yes, I am. A delicate flower who doesn’t reek of gasoline, because that just ISN’T DONE HERE. There are scads of reasons to love New Jersey, and not pumping our own gas is like, reason 2 through 28 of them.