Dear fellow shopper:
You are late for pickup, or you need to get home and start cooking dinner, or Wendy Williams is about to start. I get it. I’ve been there.
In the words of the immortal bard (Eminem, natch)You better put them breaks and let off the gas. And slow your roll.
(That’s Linda Hunt on NCIS: Los Angeles, but you can imagine that’s what I looked like at the grocery store)
I still get my personal space bubble. I know it’s hard to assess which loaf of bread you are going to get without backing up to see all of the shelves, but if your puffy down touches my puffy down, you leaned too far! A quick “Sorry” would help me not to end you right now.
And, no texting while driving the cart! I had to enact major evasive maneuvers at the blueberries just then! Proper shopping and texting etiquette is to stop the cart (inevitably in front of the eggs or something else we are all trying to get to) and just text away! Muttering “Bars? What kind of bars?!?” is acceptable.
I’m going to coin a term right now, and it’s because of that lady. The one who parked her cart in front of the peanut butter and then — without taking her left arm off the cart — stretched across the aisle to look at the chocolate covered pretzels, elbow akimbo, talking on the phone and standing with legs wider than horse pose. It’s cart-spreading. Don’t do it.
Also, I can’t wait till I’m an old bird who doesn’t mind saying “Can I get in front of you, I just have one thing?” and then argues about whether the per pound price of salad bar items includes dressing or not.
Sincerely (pissed off)
The OG of Groceries
PS Leave your cart wherever you want. What happens in the parking lot is a whole ‘nother post.
A user named Anon posted this on Joyreactor. You can check it out here.
A version of this post originally appeared at The Ill-Prepared Housewife.